Day one of self- improvment

I have always wanted to start a blog. I figured this was as good of time as any. For the most part it is for my own selfish reason (a form of therapy I am told) though it would be nice to hear from others going through what I am. I am a single mom trying to find my place in life. In a scene, trying to find myself. Some days will probably be a little more dramatic than others, just as in everyone’s day to day life. Other days may be more comical due to the fact that people for the most part do things without thinking.

Today's title is Day one of self-improvement. I was talking with a friend this evening about writing a book all about being young single and a mother. Though it would end up being more of what not to do I'm sure. I have been making a check list for myself on what should I do in order to move on from my failed marriage. It looks something like this

1. Lose weight!!!
2.Find time to go to the gym in order to lose weight
3.Stop feeling sorry for myself and get my head out my ass so I will go to the gym
4.Call doctor so I can get meds to stop feeling sorry for myself
5.Clean my house! And get rid of what I don't need.
6.Find somewhere new to live
7.Get a better paying job so I can find somewhere to live
8. Go back to school



So I am looking at this little list I made myself and the first thing I did was call the doctor. I got my meds, hoping that I would be able to accomplish everything that I felt the need to accomplish. I couldn’t bring myself to take the added drugs with my everyday drugs. That’s right I admit it, I am on Effexor!!!! And I love it! Let’s be honest, who in America isn't on some kind of meds?!All of a sudden it hit me. Look at that list I made, it’s awful. Here I am going through this separation and because of that my whole word is being turned upside down, not to mention my sons. I went from being with him every moment of every day to have maybe 2 hours a day with him during the week. The weekends are a little better, Sundays we have all day, though it’s the only day I have to clean and run errands. And let us not forget the fact that there is an absent parent that he sees once a week. His little heart is just as broken as mine. Though I show mine with tears and not being able to make up my mind, he acts like one of those wild children raised by wolves you read about. My point is, I really need to stop shoulding all over myself. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy going to the gym, I want to lose weight, I want to be organized, I want a higher paying job and I want to finish school. But why am I making myself do all of this right now? The answer to this question could take forever to answer, but the root of it is I feel like I should be all of these things right now. I have never been one to take my time, over the years this quality of mine has just snow balled out of control. I try to make myself feel and do 20 different things at once. No wonder I Effexor has become such a good friend.

My self-improvement starts here. I am letting go of the list for now. I am also making myself think of one thing I have done for every should that enters my mind. For today, I am accepting that that is enough.